I saw a post by @diaryofanhonestmom for the “Gross Moms”. It was a heartening post about how ‘Women’s Day is so often celebrating women doing giant, big, amazing things we couldn’t do decades ago, which IS big and amazing. And those aren’t the only women that exist and are changing the world. The Moms, cleaning up, regulating, healing, and caring are worth celebrating too.’

It is very similar to this post by @spiritysol earlier this week that really hit the nail on one specific facet of this for me. I struggle with feeling like I’m not doing enough, everywhere, all the time, in every way. I am doing the work I can, where I am.

It was wonderful to watch this video for “Gross Moms.” I am actively oily haired and a little stinky. I failed to play with my kids enough today. I am sleep-deprived from the struggles of sleeping with a miserable and sick kid kicking and whimpering all night, with two medicines in his system.

Anywho, it felt strangely bold for her to say everything from this video. Because I am too keenly aware that there are people who say things like “A woman’s best work is in her home.” and insinuate that’s where we belong. Which is the opposite of my belief and the opposite of empowering.

Becoming a mother honestly, felt hard for me. I remember being self conscious of being pregnant or having my little baby and toddler with me, out, in public, during work hours at first. Because I was terrified of fitting a mold that other people would LOVE to shove me back into. I remember telling a guy friend, who I trusted to not pigeonhole me, that it was scary and foreign to be pregnant and feel like I was fitting the stereotypical ‘barefoot and pregnant’ role. He was a bit baffled that I was concerned. So maybe I’m unique in fearing that. But I’ve felt that pressure from outside voices for forever. Other men (or boys when I was young), society, the church. And those voices LOVE to pounce onto any moment they see fitting their narrative and say “SEE, THIS IS BEST FOR WOMEN AND WHERE THEY BELONG.” Being a work at home Mom was terrifying because of that. For me.

Note how my decisions were affected, or touched, by patriarchy…

And so, it’s been hard to ever admit that my work as a Mom is good and important and worthy. Which, I don’t know that I’ve ever fully brought fully into consciousness until this very moment. Welcome to my therapy session with myself, ha!

But it IS. This work IS important. I matter. What I am doing matters. As she said in the video “You know who gets unnoticed, is the gross Moms. The ones who just feel nasty everyday, walking around, picking up people’s stuff, organizing things, cooking, cleaning, keeping every.single.thing.running. So that the rest of society can actually run.”

I think another part of feeling weird acknowledging this is that I don’t think I’m special or better than Moms who work outside their homes. I don’t think that they are doing less good work with their children. I do think it’s just different and I want to acknowledge that being my child’s caretaker all day and their teacher is, hard and good. It is worthy of praise because it is good work that we pay professionals to do if we aren’t doing it ourselves.

There was an article my husband read recently that talked about the important work that parents and spouses at home do for society. The unpaid work they do that helps society run. And that includes stay at home Dads too. I need to go find and read the article, but that was honestly a shift for me, mentally. Because I felt fairly insignificant unless I looked at my work through a conservative and fundamentalist lens of “The most important work a woman can do for the world, is raise amazing adults.” And I hate that lens. HOWEVER, it is important work. Just not the ONLY important work.

And yes, I have seen some posts praising all avenues for women to take in changing the world, including being a SAHM. But for some reason this video just, hit the right spot in my heart and brain and locked it in better. @carpediemtraveler said in a comment that Women’s Day has such a focus on the corporate world, and that is definitely how it feels. Even though I know activists are also celebrated, it is true that it feels like another #GirlBoss moment. And that isn’t bad. It’s just one piece and leaves a lot of women out.

Let’s also not forget that hustle isn’t the only admirable quality.

I recently saw a video that brought up something else I knew, but kinda overlooked. Which is that feminism is NOT about the individual. The suffragettes were not fighting so we could make our own choices, but about the collective liberation from the oppressors. It’s called ‘choice feminism’ and it’s not what the goal is. This shocked me at first, and then made complete sense. 

Another interesting facet of this is that working is part of the influence of capitalism and patriarchy as much as being a sahm is. It’s sorta hard to individually choose a role that isn’t supporting partriarchy and capitalism. So, the COLLECTIVE goal is to dismantle these systems that are hurting women.

Another facet of this (I believe), which is new for our society, is honoring our cycle. Who here is learning more about their own cycle and how to honor the natural rhythm of her body? I am. It feels absolutely insane to honor resting as a member of this society. But our cycles, when we honor them, teach us rest is necessary for continuing on.

Honoring our cycles is inherently anti-patriarchy and anti-capitalism.

It is the single most rebellious and natural thing we can do. It feels like a giant protest to the systems trying to oppress us. But I know it will be warped into a capitalistic feeding thing too. Like everything.

If I truly could have my choice, we wouldn’t be so isolated. We wouldn’t be relying on systems that hurt us. We would live more communally, with better medical access, with more emphasis on nurture and emotional well-being.

Personally, under the systems we currently live in, no choice we make is untouched by patriarchy and capitalism, and their harms.

If you choose to be feminine, that is the patriarchy.

If you choose to be less ‘traditionally’ feminine, that is the patriarchy (or the attempt to thwart it).

If you choose to work, obviously that’s patriarchy.

If you choose not to work, also obviously patriarchy.

If you choose to do ANYTHING inside these systems, there is a facet of it that is absolutely touched by patriarchy and capitalism.

You cannot choose anything, truly, that is untouched by the oppressor.

So, I’m not fighting for our choices. I’m fighting for the dismantling of these systems and to free us from oppression.

I know I’m whining a bit, but I embrace whining. The notion that whining is always weak and bad, is, ridiculous. Whining is how all humans, who aren’t babies, get others to notice a problem. Can it be overused and abused? Totes. But I am an inherently whiny person bc I work through all my problems OUT LOUD and I refuse to feel bad about it. It’s how I process and move through things. Which is a helluva lot better than stonefacing it and burying my issues, to then come out as anger later.

So, uh, Happy International Women’s Day. Stuff is hard. Let’s keep celebrating all marginalized groups clawing their way out of oppression! Intersectionality is so necessary and beautiful.

And yes, as a business owner, I participate in and benefit from capitalism. But businesses existed before capitalism too. This post touches on MANY topics that are long and nuanced discussions I can’t have all in one blog post.