These photos are over a year old.

Meaning they are Floyd’s 1yr Portraits...that I am JUST getting around to posting.

I was a month late taking Floyd's 1yr photos because Dad died, and then I took like 9-10 months to edit them intermittently.

I don't think I realized how incredibly painful it was to take and edit these photos. I kept avoiding of editing his photos, and never feeling like they looked good. I thought it was just because of the bad color cast in two of the settings (due to not being able to plan a proper session and shooting on a whim) (color balancing them was hard), the fact that I took hundreds in like 5 different settings, and the fact that I struggle to be as decisive with photos of my kid (I had over 500 I think, sooooooo that was too many. Still have too many.)

But, it turns out that it was partly all of those things. I’ve never edited his photos anywhere near the time frame of anyone else’s.

It was ALSO because Dad was dead. He died right when I was planning to take them, so then I had to take them late while I was still not ok, so I rushed to get them taken before Floyd’s face changed too much.

So the feelings surrounding the photos was/is really negative.

When I look at them now (after not seeing them for months), I just feel so much sadness. Looking at them is like looking at a ghost? I don’t know how to describe that. But it feels so surreal and detached from that time of Dad being dead. Like a dream almost. And yet, I feel so much joy, remembering all the good in taking these photos. It was the sweetest and brightest time that was like a light in pitch black darkness.

The photos were also a little dipped in shame, because I felt like none of them were good enough for him. Because they were late and I wasn’t feeling particularly “picture takey”, if you will.

Which is why we basically had multiple sessions; I felt terrible for not having documented his face at exactly one year of age.

Losing Dad alone sucked for everyone. Floyd lost a grandpa he'll never know, and also lost his true 1yr photos. So those extra two losses hurt for us too. Or at least me. And it isn’t fair to him. He didn’t deserve that.

It's like a tangled mess of hurt.

I still feel like they aren’t as good as they could have been. And maybe they couldn’t have ever been good enough, even if I had planned better and it had been all perfect, because of all the tumultuous emotions attached to them.

But they are what we have and what I could get over multiple sessions.

So I am starting to share the ones I do love!

If you loved these portraits and are interested in learning more about a session, contact me to see if we are a good fit!